Blog Challenge #6: A Vulnerable Post Looking after mom

Blog Challenge #6: A Vulnerable Post

 Looking after mom

  This blog begins with me telling you a little history about the players involved. First, my mother was very young when she had a daughter, a mere 16. The young women today are more sophisticated than young women were in the 60’s. By the time, I was 5 my mother’s marriage was over and I was sent to live with my grandmother, who I would lived with off and on until her death. When my grandmother died it was 1975. My world was in a tail spin. I had to live with my mother and brother all the time. The most important person in my life was gone. I was 12 years old. By this time my mother was older and I had a new little brother.  There was a rift, between us I felt abandoned, alone and there were trust issues.

  Who knew, after I had gotten married to a sailor and moved to Virginia I would have a high risk pregnancy and my mother would come to care for my boys and live with me.  I had lost one of my twins and had to be on bed rest until my due date. My spouse was out to sea and we had 2 small children and my brother to care for.

 In the early years we bumped heads, we are 2 different women, with 2 different ideas on how to care for children and a household. It took time years but, we found our norm. My mother never went back to Portland. She helped me through my separation from my husband and raising the boys. She was and still is their rock. She will listen, where I might yell. She was the one who always worked on homework with all the children.

She is also the person who would read every school book I had when I was in school. While I was who the children came to for art projects and cookies. We made a great team. Looking back on it I don’t know how I would have raised the boys without her.

 My brother and my boys are all grown up. I have found and married my soul mate and best friend. The three of us live together only the roles have changed.

Looking after mom is who I am and who I have been for the last 10 years.  I don’t allow her to over work herself. Since she doesn't drive my husband and I take her to the doctor and fuss over her when she doesn't buy the things she needs. I monitor her weight and fuss over her as you would for any older parent.

 Oh, the great grandchildren still lay on her lap and still sleep on her lap. But I never thought I would I be in the role for caregiver. It can be a complex place to be on one hand I just want to be a wife to my new husband and I want to travel with my husband, on the other hand who will take care of her if I don’t.  With travel I am uncomfortable leaving her in the house by herself. Since there is no one reliable to check on her in the area I am uncomfortable to book a cruise or to leave for an extended time. I also want to be a good sister and daughter, I find I resent my brother who doesn’t call, visit or send her gifts. Normally, I call him to tell him about her milestones. I also understand my brother is just living his life and the same goes for a lot of my family.  I am afraid my brother will have regrets about not spending time with her when the time comes and then there is the fact he doesn’t consider my husband and I need a break. My brother is single with teen kids.

I will say eldest son does call to check on us regularly. I told you it is a complex place to be.  A few good friends have shared their own stories with me with regard to caring for a parent and they too have been in this place where they need to do their best for their parent without treating their parent like a 2 year old. Some moments, I don’t know what I am doing or why I am doing it.  While other moments, I worry, can we care for her as her health declines?  And there are still other moments, I know I don’t want a moment of her days to be wasted. Will she be ok at home alone? Can someone else take care of her as good or better than we can? She has surgery coming up and what will I do if the unthinkable happens? 

Over the years mom and I have overcome many trails, today we trust each other and she is still my rock. There is an ease in our daily life. For certain there is only one truth, I only have one mom, and I want to do my best for her as she gets older. There is no position more vulnerable than that of a child who is in the role of caregiver to a parent. The place where you are trying not to hate the people you love without question, your own family. The place where you are lost and empowered. The place called looking after mom. 

T Portlock